positivity

I'm going to be bold and say things are looking up. Charlie's gathering was so nice and I'm really glad I went; it gave me a sense of closure. Also, a much smaller victory: 100% on an essay I got back on Tuesday! Yay. A good grade can always brighten your day. Furthermore, I have no exams or papers due this week, so as long as I can get through my classes just fine, it's fairly low-stress.

In other news... well, not much, to be honest. Looking forward to Thanksgiving, don't have a Halloween costume yet, no boys of real interest. I tried to compartmentalize my feelings of anxiety about the future. So far, so good. I guess I have no major complaints at the moment--what a relief.

~L

R.I.P.

I have been off the past few weeks, and with Charlie's death, it seemed to cap everything off while simultaneously ending the offness. When I heard of Charlie's passing, my own problems seemed less significant. I was able to put those behind me and mourn the loss of a good friend and a great person. Mourning Charlie was an outlet for me to rid myself of all of my insecurities that had built up. I spent three days crying, due to Charlie, what Charlie made me think about Cassie, and attached to all of that were all of the bad feelings I had from before. I just cried them all out. Now, there's an "in memory of" gathering this weekend to share good stories about him and remember the happiness he brought to the world. Then, I can take a deep breath, and push forward with my life, leaving behind me the sadness of a sudden loss and the strain of worrying about my life too much. Thanks, Charlie. You are missed.

~L

Fucked

Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked.

Something more enlightening next time.

me so cool

Late night rant blogging, awesome. I guess this is what this blog has turned into. Whatev.

So, I've been in a bad mood lately. That might be stating the obvious. I'm not sure what it is. It might be this graduating thing really getting to me, but I totally bitched at people tonight in an unnecessary way, and now I feel bad. I don't like to do that and I try to consider myself an easy going person, but tonight I just had a short fuse. I worry I've been that way for a few days. I had two conversations go sour tonight alone. I'm obviously not stressing out about actual schoolwork, in fact I wish I would get into it a little bit more. I've been dragging a lot of ass in that department. There's more stupid shit, too. I keep wanting to have more commitments and get involved with things, and then when I actually take them on, I drag ass--much like with school. I'm not sure what the deal is up there in my brain but something is off. Not only is my motivation slacking but my general outlook and personality seem to be a bit off-kilter, too.

I'm almost starting to wonder if I should have done something else with my life to begin with. I mean, of course I had to go to college, but should I have had a different major? Should I have been doing things differently all along, extracurricular-ly and socially speaking? Did I care about boys too much? Did I care about partying too much? Did I fall into the trap that is the life as a dumb college chick?

Regardless, if I learned one thing from the Lion King, it's that you can't change the past. "You have to put the past behind you." That being said, my future is a disaster, and the present isn't doing so hot either. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's the mood I'm in right now. Let's hope for a more positive (and productive) post next time.

~L

F!

What the fuck dude, FUCK everyone and their bullshit. I mean, yeah I might be on facebook at 1:45 in the morning, but does that mean if we haven't talked in a year that it's a good idea to IM me and start asking me what I'm going to do after graduation? FUCK that. I'm getting sick of everyone asking me what I'm going to do. I hardly ever ask anyone that question, because I realize how fucking annoying that is. NO I DON'T know what I want to do. Should I just write that on my face so people will stop asking me? Has no one considered that as a college senior I have the required weekly breakdown freakout about not knowing what I'm going to do with my life, and that maybe I don't want to discuss that with my buddies when I'm just trying to NOT stress about that and enjoy myself? Is even facebook not safe anymore? Stop judging me for not having my shit together.

Sometimes all it takes is one asshole to piss you off.

Do you ever feel like you're never going to amount to anything?

Senior year kind of sucks. I'm starting to feel the burn from everything I wish I had done the last 3 years of college. Beefing up my resume, standing out in a crowd, developing work ethic... now I sit and see everyone else with their campus interviews and exciting internships and think, what have I done? Not much. It's depressing. Not to mention, the economy isn't exactly overflowing with millions of job opportunities for college grads. Now that the market is more competitive, I feel like I have even less of a chance of doing something when I graduate. Particularly because I don't know what I want to do. I don't really have dreams or goals. How much does that suck? I mean every time I think of a dream job I end up shooting it down because it seems unrealistic.

Boy, do I need a self-esteem boost.