Feelin Funky

So of course that means it's time for another post, right? Been feeling more of the same lately, but I'm at least coming to terms with it. Not super energetic, not super excited about anything. Particularly feeling nostalgic, missing things I shouldn't be missing, people I shouldn't be missing, and places I shouldn't be missing.
Enter Thanksgiving. I wish... still another week. I really can't wait to go home, and be away from school, away from missing things. I want to get at least SOME fix. A home fix would be nice. When it gets cold and starts feeling like the holiday season, it just seems wrong to be spending that time NOT at home with my family. I just feel like I have a really strong association in that way.
I'm starting to feel really dull because I am sort of lacking in hobbies recently. It kind of dawned on me that throughout the majority of college having a boyfriend was a hobby of mine. Then dating was a hobby. Now... not so much. I ride my bike sometimes, but not enough. I should do that more. I used to write poetry. I should start doing that again. I used to draw, paint, play... I need to do, I need to create. "I should make better use of my time on land" ...thanks Format. I feel that once Thanksgiving comes, the semester will end quickly, then we'll have a REAL break, and then I get a fresh start at a new semester.
My last semester.
Can you say, shivers?

~L

Not exciting

Nothing exciting has happened recently. I've stopped freaking out about post-grad momentarily, I haven't been going out much. Didn't go out on Halloween. I've mostly been... sleeping. Maybe my body is trying to keep me from getting sick, but all I do is stay up really late doing nothing, and then sleep in really late. Class. Eat. Normalcy. I wish I had something exciting to share, but I've been kind of stagnant lately. In fact, you could almost say it's getting a bit boring, and I'm nearly becoming suspicious of what's going on.

Until the next big thing...

~L

positivity

I'm going to be bold and say things are looking up. Charlie's gathering was so nice and I'm really glad I went; it gave me a sense of closure. Also, a much smaller victory: 100% on an essay I got back on Tuesday! Yay. A good grade can always brighten your day. Furthermore, I have no exams or papers due this week, so as long as I can get through my classes just fine, it's fairly low-stress.

In other news... well, not much, to be honest. Looking forward to Thanksgiving, don't have a Halloween costume yet, no boys of real interest. I tried to compartmentalize my feelings of anxiety about the future. So far, so good. I guess I have no major complaints at the moment--what a relief.

~L

R.I.P.

I have been off the past few weeks, and with Charlie's death, it seemed to cap everything off while simultaneously ending the offness. When I heard of Charlie's passing, my own problems seemed less significant. I was able to put those behind me and mourn the loss of a good friend and a great person. Mourning Charlie was an outlet for me to rid myself of all of my insecurities that had built up. I spent three days crying, due to Charlie, what Charlie made me think about Cassie, and attached to all of that were all of the bad feelings I had from before. I just cried them all out. Now, there's an "in memory of" gathering this weekend to share good stories about him and remember the happiness he brought to the world. Then, I can take a deep breath, and push forward with my life, leaving behind me the sadness of a sudden loss and the strain of worrying about my life too much. Thanks, Charlie. You are missed.

~L

Fucked

Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked.

Something more enlightening next time.

me so cool

Late night rant blogging, awesome. I guess this is what this blog has turned into. Whatev.

So, I've been in a bad mood lately. That might be stating the obvious. I'm not sure what it is. It might be this graduating thing really getting to me, but I totally bitched at people tonight in an unnecessary way, and now I feel bad. I don't like to do that and I try to consider myself an easy going person, but tonight I just had a short fuse. I worry I've been that way for a few days. I had two conversations go sour tonight alone. I'm obviously not stressing out about actual schoolwork, in fact I wish I would get into it a little bit more. I've been dragging a lot of ass in that department. There's more stupid shit, too. I keep wanting to have more commitments and get involved with things, and then when I actually take them on, I drag ass--much like with school. I'm not sure what the deal is up there in my brain but something is off. Not only is my motivation slacking but my general outlook and personality seem to be a bit off-kilter, too.

I'm almost starting to wonder if I should have done something else with my life to begin with. I mean, of course I had to go to college, but should I have had a different major? Should I have been doing things differently all along, extracurricular-ly and socially speaking? Did I care about boys too much? Did I care about partying too much? Did I fall into the trap that is the life as a dumb college chick?

Regardless, if I learned one thing from the Lion King, it's that you can't change the past. "You have to put the past behind you." That being said, my future is a disaster, and the present isn't doing so hot either. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but that's the mood I'm in right now. Let's hope for a more positive (and productive) post next time.

~L

F!

What the fuck dude, FUCK everyone and their bullshit. I mean, yeah I might be on facebook at 1:45 in the morning, but does that mean if we haven't talked in a year that it's a good idea to IM me and start asking me what I'm going to do after graduation? FUCK that. I'm getting sick of everyone asking me what I'm going to do. I hardly ever ask anyone that question, because I realize how fucking annoying that is. NO I DON'T know what I want to do. Should I just write that on my face so people will stop asking me? Has no one considered that as a college senior I have the required weekly breakdown freakout about not knowing what I'm going to do with my life, and that maybe I don't want to discuss that with my buddies when I'm just trying to NOT stress about that and enjoy myself? Is even facebook not safe anymore? Stop judging me for not having my shit together.

Sometimes all it takes is one asshole to piss you off.

Do you ever feel like you're never going to amount to anything?

Senior year kind of sucks. I'm starting to feel the burn from everything I wish I had done the last 3 years of college. Beefing up my resume, standing out in a crowd, developing work ethic... now I sit and see everyone else with their campus interviews and exciting internships and think, what have I done? Not much. It's depressing. Not to mention, the economy isn't exactly overflowing with millions of job opportunities for college grads. Now that the market is more competitive, I feel like I have even less of a chance of doing something when I graduate. Particularly because I don't know what I want to do. I don't really have dreams or goals. How much does that suck? I mean every time I think of a dream job I end up shooting it down because it seems unrealistic.

Boy, do I need a self-esteem boost.

Chugging Along

I've been in school for a few weeks now, just chugging along. I haven't had a single exam or paper yet, so naturally next week I have a paper due Monday, two exams on Tuesday, and an exam on Wednesday.

Today at my Communication Club meeting I ran for and was elected Public Relations Chair. I'm happy because that will give me more things to do aside from just going to class and doing schoolwork. It's nice to have something to dedicate some time to away from the daily grind, you know? Besides, it's good for the resume and for networking, blah blah. I'm also thinking of applying (don't laugh) for Lambda Pi Eta, the National Communication Honor Society. It probably won't be as easy for me to get into this as it was to win my title in the Comm Club, but I figured it would be much cooler to be a part of, not to mention also good on my resume. They have 400 chapters nationwide, and would also be good for networking. Besides, when I apply, the worst they can do is say no.

I've had a weird feeling lately, about men. Or, "boys" seems more appropriate. At first I feel dumb for thinking about boys so much, but as my mom put it, if we're not thinking about boys now then when are we going to think about them? Haha. Anyway, the one boy I had leftover feelings for from last semester turned out to be a disappointment, and I've had trouble finding a new interest, which is unusual for me. Of course, the boys who like me, I don't like back, which is a frustrating situation for everyone. Meanwhile, the boy I thought I liked apparently can't be that interested back, which is also frustrating. So now here I am, with nobody reciprocating feelings anywhere, and no new interest to preoccupy my young adult female self. So much frustration of all types; can anybody find meeee somebody to looooooveee... thank you Queen.

I feel like I have already overthought this whole thing. I'm not really used to playing the waiting game like this. I usually am always interested in someone somewhere. I guess I'll have to bear down.

The career fair is tomorrow and I'm attending. I'm a tad bit nervous because I've never been to one of these before, but I suppose there is a first time for everything and I'm sure it will be a good experience. Sigh. Sometimes I am just motivated for all of the wrong things. I am looking forward to the first weekend in October when I get to drive out to San Diego with Cassie. The more I travel, the harder I find it is to stay in one place. After the summer, it seems impossible to stick around anywhere for six weeks without switching it up. I'm so horribly ready to be done with classes and studying and exams and papers, but so horribly afraid of what happens when all of that is over. Step by step, graduation draws nearer, and there's nothing I can do to stop it...

~L

No Sleep, No Sex

Let me start by saying this title is entirely misleading. There is nothing about sex in this post, but it seemed catchy in the title. Secondly, it's not about the lack of sleep I'm having, but the opposite problem... sort of. Let me explain.

The past 6 days or so I have been falling asleep at roughly 5am. A few days ago, I went to bed at 2am (not unreasonable) but woke up at 7:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I was so exhausted by 1pm that at that time I took a 4 hour nap, waking up at 5pm. My sleep schedule has been complete erratic. Mostly, I'll get into bed around 2, fall asleep around 5, and wake up around 2pm. This is very, very bad. I missed my morning classes on Thursday and my morning classes today, which means I've missed a full week of those classes.

This problem isn't new to me, as I've generally had sleep issues on and off for the past 7 years or so, but it's been quite a while since I've had it this bad. It's a bit scary because it's very hard for me to fix, and also because it's the beginning of the school year and I really wanted to start off on the right foot. Yet, here I am, missing in-class assignments and valuable lecture notes. It's upsetting.

Perhaps the worst of it is the fact that I am spending so much time in my bed, thinking thinking thinking, unable to turn off my brain and call it a night. Last night, around 4am, I was so fed up with not sleeping that I grabbed my ipod and mindlessly searched for songs to sing along to. I watched things on Hulu on my computer. I tried different positions, tried eating, tried drinking, but nothing. It's extremely strenuous attempting sleep, when I know my sleep schedule is so messed up that my body won't even allow it.

When I finally wake up for my morning class when my alarm goes off, it feels like 5 in the morning to someone who sleeps normal hours. There is no way I can get out of bed. This is the weak part of me, the part that grabs hold of sleep when I finally find it and doesn't let go. I almost want to cry when my alarm goes off because the antidote to my late night torture is being taken away from me. This pattern I've fallen into is very dangerous for my health, my lifestyle, and my academics. Waking up in the afternoon is a bad way to go about each day, especially if I don't have anything to do in the middle of the night while I'm awake.

To make matters worse, I had a dream last night that my friend Maggie and I were shopping, or something like that in a big city, and I was wearing my retainer for the first time in a long time. I knew my teeth were shifting, but when I took my retainer out to talk to a salesperson I could feel that one of my teeth had loosened in the straightening process. I touched it and it fell out, with a little bit of blood. I could feel a new tooth emerging underneath, which was strange because obviously I had already gotten all of my adult teeth years ago. As I was freaking out, I noticed another tooth was a bit loose, so I wiggled it and then it fell out too! I'm pretty sure I was hysterical at this point, and then a third tooth fell out. I was holding a napkin with three of my adult teeth, and all I wanted to do was call my mother to find out what I should do but I had no phone. And then I woke up, and it was 12:30pm, and I had overslept my classes.

~L

I just realized

that my blog is dumb. Even though I have never sent the link for it to anyone, I am somehow disappointed by the fact that no one has ever read it. At the same time, it's so juvenile and meaningless that maybe I should be happy about that.

Things are starting to get strange in my average life... I find that most of my recent discoveries or revelations about life, relationships, school, and so forth are really just things I knew all along but never wanted to believe.

Today, my roommate and I burnt a pizza and freed a moth.

~L

so

I ended up going out that night. Go figure. I can be such a whiner sometimes. In fact, I ended up going out all weekend, which completely cancels out my weird mood from Thursday evening.

Going out isn't everything, but it's a lot of what to do in Tucson. Being freshly 21, I couldn't help but indulge a little big. I'm sure my weekends will be a bit more low key from now on... or else I'll go broke.

Anyhow, my second week of my senior year begins now (but who's counting?) and I am a bit anxious for it. I've had a lot of interesting things to think about this weekend, so I'll be glad to get back to a regular schedule with more to fill my brain than my own ridiculous thoughts.

I wanted to quote Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls allllll day today.

~L

Conundrum

Well, here I am. This happens sometimes. I was so excited all day while I cleaned my room mindlessly to go out tonight . Now that it's after 11 at night, I find that I'm not out. Maybe I'm just tired from completing my first week of class. Either way, going out sounds unappealing... I think mostly because of the effort. I'm coming down a little and feeling sleepy. And I don't want to spend money. But... I like to go out, and I like to see my friends. Sigh.

I'm not making much of an effort. I feel like I have the next couple of nights to go out, and maybe by staying in I'll save money tonight. The downside is, if I don't do anything then I'll probably feel lonely. Do other people have this problem? It's strange because I can hear people at my apartment complex raging but I don't even feel like going to check it out.

I guess that's just one of those weird moods.

I made it

I made it through my first day! Of course, the first day of class is notoriously easy, with hardly more than the syllabus and a lecture that nobody really pays attention to. My first class, Mass Media Policy and Regulation is pretty intense but very interesting. It's essentially a behind-the-scenes look at television broadcasting and networks. We'll learn about, well, the policies as well as how broadcasting networks and cable networks function and are regulated (hence the course title). My second class is a night class, which, I must admit, feels long already. However, it's called Media and Politics in America which is a perfect combination of my major and minor. Considering my minor doesn't exactly intrigue me to no end, this is a good way for me to build interest in it.

Tomorrow I have to try to add a PoliSci class to my schedule, because right now I'm signed up for a night class on Thursday and that's just not going to happen. Three night classes is too many. I have to bring my add/drop form to each class I am going to try to get into tomorrow. It's going to be a long day. I do have a class at 11, which is Intro to Mass Media Effects. I imagine this one will be easier than the two I took today, although there happens to be two people I really would prefer to never see again in that class... oh, life. This is without a doubt going to be a challenging semester--hopefully in a good way.

It was nice to be back on campus today, I feel like I'm at my home away from home. The weirdest thing though was walking around completely familiar and seeing hundreds of faces not having a clue about what they are getting themselves into. The freshmen are so easy to spot with their lost eyes and campus maps. It's strange knowing that I'm in the oldest class at the school and that I know this campus and town better than pretty much everyone else. It's strange knowing that I am the senior I once thought was so old.

I'm feeling some Disney lyrics....
What I like most about rivers is, you can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing....

~L

1 hour, 20 minutes...

...until my first day of my senior year of college. I was a horrible blogger while abroad in London due to the fact that I was so busy all of the time. I still sort of began to like the idea of blogging, so I created this one just in case I feel like I want to continue. Well, I suppose I do.

Here's what's running through my head as of now: I've just moved into my new apartment with my new roommate, and I really like it. It was nicely furnished, I have a good-sized closet, and my own bathroom. It's so much bigger than my old room, so not only do I not feel cramped but it's actually seemingly spacious. We went grocery shopping today, so I have some food (which is hard to come by for me). EVEN BETTER NEWS my parents finally bought my car today! It's a 2002 white CRV with a tan fabric interior (can't have leather out here in AZ or you die in the heat) and of course A/C. It also has a system that holds 6 CDs or something like that. My dad is going to drive it out over the Labor Day weekend. It's about time I had a car out here! Now I owe all of my friends a million rides...

My senior year starts tomorrow. OF COLLEGE! This is where it all comes together. My GPA goal for graduation is so incredibly close, but I have to stay on my toes this semseter to reach it, and then the following semester to maintain or move beyond it. I'm taking classes that I'm very excited for. I still have to tweak my schedule a little bit, so I'm somewhat nervous about making sure I can do that tomorrow. I am also going to have to get back into the swing of things and get myself in the proper mindset. My summer classes were a joke. I'm ready to get back into it, though. My brain is getting antsy. It's time for a challenge.

SENIOR YEAR LET'S GO.

~L